I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
