apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
i think i just lost a toe
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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