he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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