I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
