now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
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the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
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I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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