We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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