My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Less talking, more tequila
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
