I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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