I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
