You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
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Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
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Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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