does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
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It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
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I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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