New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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