So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
