Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
