I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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