It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
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Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
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I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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