if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
