Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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