$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
