Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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