Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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