Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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