I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
