Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Randomize
