This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
