paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
