Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
