I look better un-naked...
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
