Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
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My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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