i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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