I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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