I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
