I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
