Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
