I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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