he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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