the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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