Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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