Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
