I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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