just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
