Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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