You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
