i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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