Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
