What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
