I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
