I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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