I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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