the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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