Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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