I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
