How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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