i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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