i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
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WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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