Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
