I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
