just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
