I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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