fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
