Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
