i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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